"Is Hiring an Escort Cheating? Ethical & Moral Perspectives

The difference between morals and ethics

I daylight as a sex-work historian, and it’s amazing how consistent contemporary whorekind is with our predecessors through the ages. One hallmark of sex workers that is ever present is a rejection of the reigning morality of the day because it denies our humanity, merit, and righteousness.

To me, there is a stark contrast between morals and ethics.

Morals refer to a black-and-white perception of reality that includes rights, wrongs, and nothing in between, as defined by a central, empowered body in a given society.

Example: The Christian church’s guiding document defines lust as a sin. S/he/they who feels lust aligns themselves with evil and goes to hell.

Ethics concern an internal compass—one’s personal convictions about how to move through the world. The most common phrase used to describe people’s views on how they evaluate one’s behaviour is the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Example: We do not lust after children because, as children, it would have harmed us to be lusted over. We do lust after our partners who therefore feel desired and loved.

Personally, my ethical antennae are attuned to whether or not a given action causes emotional or physical harm to a person. Institutions cannot feel pain. American law imposes a moral value on us that sex work is wrong. That contravenes my right to self-determination and bodily autonomy. Since the act of me exchanging sexual services for money is not inherently harmful to anyone (and definitely not to myself, so long as one avoids the psychos), breaking that law did not violate my ethics.

From the overarching religious context of where I spend my time, I’m glad that we now live in a world where people can no longer enslave others with the moral justification of the biblical story of Ham; and gay people have the courage to assert that Leviticus is full of shit.

Also, we live in a world in which more and more laws are coming into effect that many of us see as unethical. With fascism on the rise, it is more important than ever to run all laws and moral precepts through our own code of ethics, rather than just going along and hoping for the best. We all know how that has turned out in the past–especially in Germany.

But, of course, the other torturous thing about being a non-psychopathic human is that our actions have unintended ripple effects out into the world.

Sex workers’ rights activists often note that some of the most prominent fighters against our right to work safely and legally (so-called “anti-traffickers”) are women whose husbands have cheated on them with escorts. I just recently got my first email from an angry wife. I think it’s fair to say that none of us get any joy in imagining that our clients—many of whom are married with an expectation of monogamy—are cheating on their wives and causing potential pain.

And under a moral framework, it’s very straightforward: Adultery is wrong. Go straight to hell (or repent or whatever). End of discussion.

Keep in mind: Many sex workers have experienced the pain of being cheated on (including myself, and with the first man with whom I had penetrative sex at age 16, no less! Asshole!). Indeed, has anyone not been cheated on?? This experience is no less painful for being so commonplace. And sex workers get that, trust me, please.

However, ethically, cheating is not so black and white.

Now, let’s pause for a moment: If you’ve been cheated on in a monogamous relationship and it was really painful, the sentence above could land horribly. I am not trying to invalidate your pain. I am not trying to let cheaters off the hook. They caused you pain, and in my book, that’s unethical.

But maybe just come along with me for a moment.

Firstly, let’s acknowledge that intimacy is a basic human need for almost everyone. Like lots of people, I spent 5 months without touching another person during the pandemic, and it made me lose my mind a little bit. The constant anxiety in my body was palpable and extremely uncomfortable in a way that impacted my mental health. Humans evolved in tribes. Homo sapiens are biologically engineered to need touch as a reassurance that we’re not on our own on the savannah at the mercy of every marauding lioness. Likewise, for most people, lust is a biological function programmed in us to ensure the survival of the species. So when we’re talking about people needing sex, that doesn’t make them evil, dirty, and incapable of self-control; it simply means they are expressing a biological pre-set. Therefore, for most people, forswearing sex is a big deal, and it can even be emotionally corrosive. The higher one’s libido—and the more encumbered by testosterone—the harder it will be to go without sex, either somewhat or entirely. (Just look at “celebate” priests…) Our species is not built to do that.

That in mind…

Example #1: The Classic Client Conundrum

My favorite US client told me a common tale (and yes, I only heard his side of the story, but don’t shut down on me yet): His wife hit menopause and hormonal changes killed her libido. She told him they would never have sex again: That part of their relationship was over. Since he still had sexual desire, he struggled with this, and the struggle eventually built into a depression. Wanting to abide by his moral pledge to monogamy, he started taking antidepressants, both to combat his feelings of loneliness and isolation (despite still having a strong emotional connection with his wife) and for the side effect of libido depression. After existing in this state for awhile, he saw an escort. It changed his world. His mood disorder was gone, his loneliness assuaged. One booking per month and he could not only enjoy his life more, but he could show up as a whole person for his kids, his grandkids, his colleagues, and his wife. As the deliverer of this wellness, his gratitude to me poured forth in the form of continuous tips and gifts (mostly books he thought I would enjoy).

Imagine for a moment the alternative:

He falls into an affair with someone he—and perhaps also his wife—knows. The relationship goes well, or it goes south. Either way, the emotions involved and the fact that it’s someone from his world, not a professional discretely enclosed within a therapeutic container with clear boundaries, increases the likelihood his wife will find out and it will torpedo his marriage—with all the ripple effects that could have.

Example #2 — a very compelling reason for hiring an escort:

An elderly client came to me describing how he is the sole caretaker of his wife, who has advanced Alzheimers and no longer knows who he is. Morally, he vowed to be faithful to her for a lifetime. But shortly before the end of that lifetime, he found himself at the end of his emotional rope, with lots of caretaking labor going out and nothing coming in. I was able to fill in part of that void for him, enabling him to return to his wife with his resources restored for her final stages.

Now, surely that cracks your fidelity binary.

What does the science say?

If this topic interests you, please go find a book called Sex at Dawn. It is an anthropological investigation into the history of monogamy. It explains the science behind why monogamy feels so unnatural for many people. It describes our closest animal ancestors, the bonobos. Not only are bonobos polyamorous, raising all the kids together (regardless of pater/maternity); but they also use (both homo-and heterosexual) sex as a tool to build up social bonds within the tribe and to solve conflicts.

The authors of this book also discuss the big WHY: If we’re not biologically programmed for monogamy (unless you’re my parents, apparently), why has it become our default? They trace this back to the dawn of agriculture and the invention of property as a legal construct: It’s one thing for the tribe to raise the kids all together if you’re hunting and gathering, but quite another if you have transitioned into an agricultural society in which your ability to eat is literally rooted in a single piece of land. In that case, you had better know which kids are your offspring so that everyone knows who inherits the land. In comes Christianity with a moral code that specifies that adultery is wrong—not because this is some cross-millennial truth that has always been—but because it socially enforces a fairly new—and therefore fragile—legal construct inherent to capitalism.

If it’s natural, why does it hurt so much to be cheated on?

Oh, I’ve battled with this demon for so many years, and still do. My last American lover asked to open our relationship and I agreed. Even though this was entirely square with my ethics, I felt tortured when he was with other women. I had read Sex at Dawn and been steeped in modern lefty culture, and–most importantly–I felt confident of his love, but it still really hurt. So I began the work of figuring out why I was in pain.

The answer? Well, of course we’re in pain about it. We’ve been raised on love songs and rom coms and Christian morals, etc., etc., etc. We have literally been socialised to be in pain, even when we realise the pain is entirely unnecessary and in conflict with our understanding of the world. Our whole lives, everything around us has conditioned us to believe that, if our lover is being intimate with someone else, that has a rock-solid, unalterable meaning: Our partner does not love us properly. The pre-conditioned emotional response is to feel rejected.

So how do we train this out? Can we reprogram ourselves? My current partner said early on that, after a very long, unhappy marriage, he needs freedom to have multiple partners. It is a requirement of his happiness, and, to some degree, his emotional health. When he’s with his other lover, I still catch myself feeling sad. But then I pull myself back to the reason I said yes to that proposition:

My definition of love is that you want your person to be happy.

And I’m happy to report that, the more I practice, the easier it gets. (A really good therapist and supportive friends are also key. Not to mention the burly fuckbuddy.)

In Conclusion…

So, is seeing an escort cheating?

Firstly, let’s get one thing straight: I don’t feel ethically culpable regarding my clients’ decisions about fidelity. Women have spent far too many centuries being held responsible for the behaviour of men. If you cheat on your partner, it’s not because I seduced you. Plus, how the fuck do I know what your relationship status is? Should I cut into my income by giving everyone a questionnaire and scaring potential clients off? That’s ridiculous. That’s not on me.

I know in my heart that my work brings much more joy into the world than pain—and that’s not because I’m in denial; it’s because I’ve seen it. Haven’t we all seen someone walk down the street dickishly bumping into other people and said, “Wow, you need to get laid.” And we do.

Dan Savage has this phrase, “doing what you need to do to stay married and stay sane.” Is everyone’s behaviour always ideal? Definitely not. Relationships are probably the hardest thing we do. But the world is not black and white. Sex workers have always understood this, and we are not ashamed that we have always had to colour outside of the lines of morality to survive. Because fuck your stupid rules if it means I can’t feed myself and my kid. So likewise, fuck social constructs that make people miserable for no actual reason except the patriarchs getting their rocks off.

My answer, therefore, is:

No, seeing an escort is not cheating.

It’s 2025. We have options, all the way from the radical end of polyamory to an open marriage, a “don’t ask don’t tell” marriage, getting your needs met discreetly with a responsible professional, to monogamy. My wish is that everyone has the option—and the bravery—to ask for what they need from their partner.

So, at the end of the day, it all comes down to:

Don’t be an asshole.